Healing Old Wounds

During my 6 1/2 hour drive from Northern Kentucky to Maryland the other day for the birth of my grandchild, I had plenty of time to do some thinking. And what continued to come up is something I think we all experience almost every day - some days more than others.

Do you know someone - a boss, colleague, friend, spouse, or lover perhaps - who pushes your buttons? This person can make you feel frustrated, angry, hurt, powerless, anxious, or resentful with a few well-placed words. If you are in a relationship, there's almost no way to avoid it. Or maybe there are specific situations you find yourself in that will push your buttons - regardless of who else is part of that situation.

We all experience this. Sometimes it's just a mild irritation and we ignore it. But sometimes it becomes a large scale battle, leaving serious wounds of anger, hurt, indignation and destroyed relationships.

Where does this come from? Why are there people in our lives who hurt us? Or why do we put ourselves in situations that cause us emotional grief? You've asked it yourself I'm sure: "What have I done to deserve this?" or "Why me?"

I've had clients tell me, "Well, this person is showing me how NOT to behave!" or "This person is showing me the definition of a jerk and I don't want to be a jerk, so I won't act like that!" or "I just need to find a way to help this person change their ways." or "I told them they were being mean, but they don't get it."

We are always confounded by these people. Why won't they change? Why can't they see how they are acting? Don't they know how they make others feel? What is wrong with them?

But it's not about THEM. It really has nothing to do with THEM. It's about YOU. It's ALL about you. It is not about "right" and "wrong", "black" and "white", "good" and "bad". It's not about a person being a jerk. It is about integration, balance, growth, and healing. Your healing. It's about healing your wounds. It is opportunity. It is part of your growth and development on an emotional level. And it is all about choices. Choices about healing.

What it boils down to is this: the person or situation that pushes your buttons is exposing a wounded part of YOU. They are not creating the wound, they are simply exposing it. The wound has been there all along. They are pouring salt into it so you can become aware of it and heal it. As hard as it is to imagine, they are giving you a gift. They are giving you an opportunity to heal and grow. They are giving you a choice. This choice is whether you continue to react to them, never allowing the emotional wound to heal and having the scab ripped off whenever you run into someone who can do it, or choosing to find your wound and heal it so it can never hurt you again.

Our bodies do this for us all the time. When we have a physical wound of any sort, our bodies make us aware of it with the mechanism of pain. If we ignore it, it usually continues to worsen. When our emotional body has a wound, we are made aware of it through the reflection of other people and experiences. If we choose to ignore it, we will be faced with it over and over again throughout our life.

Within each of us there is a host of memories and experiences from earlier times in our lives. For most of us, these memories and experiences from the past, directly affect how we react to the people and experiences in the "now". Whether it's a minor irritation or an emotional landslide, we are experiencing the "now" through the lens of the past.

Some people say, "Well just ignore it (or them)." But that doesn't work either. You can't just ignore a gaping open wound and expect the pain will just go away. Well, ok, maybe it will. But not permanently. If the wound is not healed, the pain will return. Maybe the players will have changed, maybe the scenery will have changed, but the pain will return. If it happens enough, you begin to recognize the pattern.

So how do you heal the wound? You must allow yourself to feel the pain. Not ignore it, not stuff it, not judge it, not belittle it or yourself, not intellectualize it. Simply feel it without judgment.

In the heat of the moment is probably not the best time to do this. However, at some point as soon as possible after the encounter that pushed your buttons, find a safe place, alone. Recall the painful experience and allow yourself to really feel the pain. Observe the pain. Do not judge the pain and do not judge the experience that created it. Do not analyze the pain. Do not search your memories for the source. Those are "thinking" processes. Simply feel. Feel deeply. Feel until the feelings subside on their own. And they will subside. No exceptions, as long as you allow the process to work through its full course. The more you allow yourself to feel, without judgment, the quicker the wound will heal.

Many times when you allow yourself this sacred process, you will find associated memories from childhood and young adulthood spontaneously returning. Allow them. But do not judge them or go hunting for them. They will show themselves only if necessary. Do not judge anyone associated with those memories. Simply observe, feel and allow.

When the pain subsides and you feel better, treat yourself with extra compassion and love. You have just gone through a difficult experience and you need to nurture yourself.

The deeper the wound, the longer it will take to heal. Perhaps you will need to go through this process several times with certain issues in your life. But each time, you will notice the pain is less. Someone who could set you off on an emotional tirade in the past, perhaps only mildly irritates you the next time. You know the wound is healed when that person can no longer push your buttons at all. No emotions, no irritation.

Do NOT allow yourself to get sucked into the role of "victim" and wallow around there. You are not a victim. You are an enlightened spiritual being learning how to live in this physical world. Always remember that!

This is not an easy process. No one likes to feel pain. But the only way to heal the wounds is to allow yourself to feel and experience. As you use this process to heal the wounds of childhood, you will find that life becomes so much more joyful and so much easier.