On Being Authentic

Have you noticed the new "spiritual buzz word"? "Authentic" is the word that seems to have our attention these days. Remember a few years ago it was "empowered"? I love it! I wonder what it will be a few years from now? Anyway, I'm seeing "Find your authentic self" or "Live an authentic life" or some such everywhere. I'm guilty of using that word myself! But the other day I began to wonder, "What makes us think we aren't authentic?"

Remember, as a child, waking up in the summer happy with anticipation for the day? Or the joy and excitement of having a sleep over with friends? Remember blurting out some delightful truths, much to the chagrin of your parents? As children we seemed to have no problem being authentic. We made our needs known without hesitation, asked questions without inhibitions and weren't afraid to show emotion. If you want to see authentic in action, watch a small child.

However, at some critical point, relatively early in this blissful childhood, it is made very clear to us that in order to get along in the world, sometimes we need to withhold our opinions, deny what we see and hear, stuff our feelings, and sometimes even... yes, lie. This begins the process of putting a lot of pretty smelly stuff - beliefs, opinions, self-criticisms, pain, fear, disappointments, humiliations, anger, feelings of distrust and abandonment - in a closet with the idea that maybe it will go away or we'll sort it out later. But smelly stuff in the closet is still smelly and although we may have put this stuff out of sight, it never goes away and it always smells bad. Out of sight, but not out of mind.

We are all born into a family or a situation that has a defined code and belief system of how things are supposed to be. For those adventurous enough - or unhappy enough - to search for personal fulfillment, we find ourselves attracted to interests, ideas, and beliefs that just don't conform to past conditioning. Eventually, without any conscious intention, we find we simply don't "fit" anymore into that system of personal conditioning. We know it and everyone around us knows it.

Those adventurous souls who decide to shed the shackles of early conditioning usually take their first steps by identifying what they don't want anymore. "I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I don't want to feel unsure of myself. I don't want to be tired all the time. I don't want to be negative, to always see the down side, or to expect the worst. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to spend my life pleasing everyone else. I don't want to feel inadequate. I don't want to feel small. I don't want to feel that I am not being authentic." It's easy to see what we no longer want, but a little more difficult to dig deeper to see what our authentic self really wants. The early conditioning is very deep.

We can begin the process of cleaning out our closet with a few simple things. Begin by being an interested observer. Watch yourself and notice when those old feelings that you stuffed in the closet so long ago come out. When they show themselves, don't just shuffle them back into the closet like we always do. Allow them the space they need to dissipate. Allow yourself to feel them. Move through the emotion by feeling it. If you need to cry, find a quiet space and sob your heart out. If you need to get angry, find a room alone with a pillow and go to town! Don't force the feelings back in the closet because they feel uncomfortable and don't stop the feelings. They will go away on their own. They will. Given open and free space and time to express themselves, they will dissipate. But until you feel them and deal with them, they will never go away.

Begin to notice which friends you feel more yourself with and which ones you don't. Be kind and gentle with yourself and don't purposely put yourself in situations where you know that closet door will be blasted wide open. One day, when that closet is nearly empty, you will be able to face any situation and remain steadfastly authentic. But until then, treat yourself and your process with respect. The more you clean out your closet the more often you will remain authentic and not be controlled by old conditioning.

It's easy to assume that once we learn the secret of authenticity, we are going to immediately be confident, balanced, wise, and resourceful all the time! It's not quite that easy. Remember that closet we talked about earlier? Until we start to clean out those old feelings, we cannot really get to our authentic self because those old feelings will always be stinking up our lives.

Becoming a self-confident, happy, and fulfilled person does not happen overnight. It is a lifelong process. It is not a destination, it is a journey. The most important thing you can do is understand that all those fears, habits and beliefs you have stuffed in the closet, all that incessant chatter that goes on in your head is not you. IT IS NOT YOU! It is simply years of conditioning someone else has bestowed on you. When you clean out your closet you will be amazed and in awe of who you meet! You will fall head over heels in love with yourself!